Zinedine Zidane

For those of you who don't know, Zinedine Zidane, one of the best "footballers" of his generation, stuck his head where it didn't belong and got himself ejected from the World Cup final against Italy, and subsequently cost his team a chance at a second title. The ubiquitous video clip of Zidane headbutting Marco Materazzi has been parodied all over the net, so follow this link to the best collection. You'll laugh, you'll cry, and you'll cry laughing some more. Funniest thing I've seen in a long time.

I Quit

That's all folks, thanks for the blog-fodder (blodder?). Three more weeks will complete my mandatory customer service tenure. When next I surface, I'll be denying you a mortage, setting up our country's newest C.A.'s, criticizing polititians in print or illegally detaining immigrants for National Security Purposes. I held my post for three years and two months and feel obligated to take time to reflect on a job that saw me go from credit ridicule to excellent, from Boy in Basement to Dude in Pad, from borrowing parents' car when it was convenient with them to using my own car when convenient with the Boss, from out of shape unemployed flameout to slightly less out of shape management type. Some good times, some bad, some sales records that won't be broken and some connections that hopefully will help the good cause.

It'll get ya drunk! Mmm mmm!

From the description:
"Originally based on a Swiss recipe this Absinthe has no artificial color or preservatives, and contains 111mg of the psychoactive thujone adored by some of the world’s most notorious artists and writers. Van Gogh, Picasso, Hemingway…Bob Dylan, Marilyn Manson and Eminem are just a few who used and drew inspiration from this original Absinthe and its effects.

Naturally green in color, the Premium Zele is 70% alcohol (150 proof) and is bottled with fresh herbs and wormwood that distill inside and enhance the taste and thujone content. All the ingredients are carefully selected to ensure its distinctive taste."

Here's a link to the video describing how to best utilize your experience.

For whatever reason, the video won't load in Firefox, but Internet Explorer works.

Metal Storm Solid

Eat your heart out, John Kruger.

Trade Notification

It's been a great year at Generic Student Employment Co. In my time at my Generic Student Job, I hold the record for most individual membership sales, highest (and second and third highest) cashouts in one day, have trained more new employees than anyone else (other than my old boss), and am currently counted on to help the company through a difficult and unique transition period. Because of this, the timing is perfect to announce that I am requesting a trade to a new city in the spirit of my new role model. I know, I know. I just signed a long-term contract and gave Generic Student Employment Co. every indication that they could proceed knowing my status was one certainty they could rely on as they focus on other matters, but gosh, I'm just not happy, you know?

All dubious sarcasm aside, Chris Pronger sucks harder, deeper, and longer than any other hockey player has ever sucked. Why sign a five year contract they ask to be traded because your wife doesn't like the city? DON'T SIGN THE CONTRACT THEN. You were within one backup-goalie fuck-up of winning the Stanley Cup in a city that kissed your ass all year and did nothing but tell you and anyone else unfortunate to be in the vicinity how great you are, the best defensemen in the NHL, would-be Conn Smythe winner, and certified Hall of Famer. Plus $6.25 million a year. Not good enough eh? Don't let Jason Smith's stick hit you across the head on your way out of town.

It's louder now...

As much as I my taste in music is gradually becoming more subtle, more refined and a little more exploratory, deep down there lingers a desire for raw, unnecessary pure power. Eight ago I was playing in a tennis tournament in Vernon and my doubles partner, whom I'd met down there, was driving the two of us around town to our match locations. He had his big sub pumping out some phat b-boy tracks, and I asked him why he dug such dope beats, fo-shizzle. He said he didn't really like rap but that it made the sub pound. At the time I thought it odd that the message be dictated by the medium, rather than the other way around. Shouldn't one first like a certain type of music and then buy the right speakers, receivers and source? Seemed to make sense. Then a couple years ago a friend of mine introduced me to the world of high-end analogue audio. He was listening to jazz, female vocals, and classic tunes which were a far cry from the shrieking metal he preferred in high school. Once again, the idea was that the medium chose the message because it sounded better. I'm moving along the same path with my home theatre setup dictating louder, dumber, awesomer movies because they maximize (and justify?) the system (and the cost). Here's the latest addition to the Team.

Thanks for a great ride

In the last two months, the Oilers became the first eighth seen to make it to the Finals, the third team to beat the President's trophy winner in the first round, the third team ever to force a game seven after being down 3-1 in a final and the first Oiler team in sixteen years to make it to the last series. They also overcame a 2-0 deficit for the first time in team history, the loss of the hottest goalie in the playoffs, and a flu virus that hit half the players in the third round. Some people say they failed. I say that it was the most rewarding spring I've ever had, and thanks to a great team for an inspiring run. See you next year!

Gotta love sports.

MacT will save us!

Size matters not. Look at me. Judge me by my size, do you? Hmm? Hmm. And well you should not, for my ally is the Force, and a powerful ally it is. Life creates it, makes it grow. Its energy surrounds us and binds us. Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter. You must feel the Force around you; between you, me, the tree, the rock, everywhere. Yes, even between the land and the ship.

Down 3-1, going back to Carolina. I believe.

I have never seen anything so gay in my entire life

And by gay, I don't mean that it's wrong or vile or soon-to-be-illegal-when-grouped-in-legal-twosomes. I just mean gay. Stay tuned everyone!

I Pity the Fool

In the year 2006, a crack cosmetics unit was sent out to sell a product by a corporation they don't understand. These women promptly escaped from all arguments promotting reason and common sense to the Prince George underground. Today, still wanted by their husbands, they survive as National Vice President of fortune. If you have a sun-parched skin, if no one else can help you exfoliate, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire: The A(rbonne)-Team.

The Galactic Empire

These days it's tiresomely fashionable to criticize the United States for pretty much everything. Actually, since this is always fashionable, it's more accurate to say it's enormously fashionable right now to attack the Bush administration for 9/11 conspiracy theories, failures in Iraq, illegal domestic surveillance, Hurricane Katrina, economic problems, massive conflicts of interests or the overtly Christian influence on foreign policy. Whew. I say tiresome because for Canadians it's an enjoyable passtime to throw darts of condescension towards the U.S., uninformedly mocking their culture and government. Canadians pat themselves on the back when we appear to have morally superceded the Americans in any way, as recently witnessed by Canadian sports reporters applauding Edmonton Oilers fans who cheered the Star Spangled Banner two nights after fans in San Jose booed O Canada two nights previous. While certainly worthy of praise for genuinely applaudable actions, it garnered far more attention than when fans in Vancouver booed the U.S. anthem in January at the World Junior tournament (while cheering on the Russians instead in their semi-final match). It seems Canadians are perfectly willing to criticize themselves in a vacuum, but clamp right up when examining our country's political and social flaws when comparing them to the United States.
So while I sometimes post on the United States and their descent into totalitarianism, I think that such observations should be made with an eye towards our own government, whose current residences should be monitored closely.

Western Conference Champions!!!!!!!

Careful now

Update on U.S. National Security, C.I.A. nominee Michael Hayden.

Boy, I sure am glad I don't want to BOMB the WHITE HOUSE. The President is someone I would never BOMB or wish ill upon. Not being part of AL-QUAEDA or any other TERRORIST ORGANIZATION, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION are of no interest to me.

Mike Peca ends every series with "It's not me, it's you"

On to the third round! The boys are now one of four teams left in the battle for Lord Stanley's grail. Conference Final Game One goes tomorrow night in Anaheim. 'Tis a time of happiness in Darth Forehand's abode, if also a time to monopolize all conversations with uninterested parties. I include my readers in this category.

Jocks in their natural habitat

Just to show I'm not against making fun of my own kind, here's a more balanced look. Of course, both lists have inherent nerdlian ingredients: Anger and hostility towards others, and video games.

Top Ten Angriest Athletes
Top Twenty-Five Cyber Athletes

Masters of my universe

Interesting article on the depressing effects of watching old cartoons whose quality and relevence was kept alive only by one's nostalgic delusions. I was a bit young to really dig He-man, but I found the same problem when returning to my own source of youth cartoon morality, Transformers. This might shatter some illusions out there so don't read on if you want to preserve your childlike innocence, but that show sucks. While a reliable source with equally plentiful time on his "hans" assures me the Japanese versions were really good, I still find it bothersome how time has eroded a perfectly good TV show whose sole purpose to exists was to sell toys. That's not meant to be cynical. Those toys were fucking sweet. And still available, luckily.

Nerds in their natural habitat

See how they act when they think nobody's watching!

SHOOT THE PUCK!!!!!!

He doesn't shoot when he's supposed to, he tries to deke through too many players, and he gives the puck away too much. Yet this season, Ales Hemsky has scored the Oilers' three biggest goals: the game-winner to clinch a playoff berth, and the tying and winning goals tonight to help Edmonton upset the best team in hockey in the first round of the NHL playoffs. Hockey is the Greatest Thing Ever again, after two periods where hockey Sucked. After spending last week in Edmonton and getting to enjoy some of the playoff atmosphere there, I can only imagine what it's like there right now.

re: prisoner/inmate status

Thank you for your message in regards to prisoner/inmate #230019976. We can assure you that his stay has been pleasant and that all reports of harsh security measures, uncomfortable cell size, and mass prisoner boredom have been greatly exaggerated by the liberal-biased media. Our tenants enjoy the highest quality facilities and are protected by the most advanced, humane security precautions available. In regards to your specific inquiry, we must respectfully decline your prisoner/inmate's request for transfer back to his former quarters in Prince George until his sentence has passed. In the meantime, we assure you that his care will be first rate and that all measures in regards to his condition, Irritable Fatigue Impatience Syndrom, will be taken. Thank you for your concern in this matter.

Sincerely,

Warden S.