Mad baller skillz

Tiger Woods has nothing on the great Ronaldinho.

Merry Christmas Moviehouse!

Cheer up your holiday season with some good old fashioned scorn! It's especially satisfying to read sarcastic reviews of critically acclaimed movies, since those are often the movies I dislike the most, for all the reasons written here.

O Brother, Where art Thou??

Recently, I was referred to a site that asks the popular question: What really happened to Dave Chappelle? Was it stress, spiritual retreat, Warcraft? Turns out, it was none of those things.

Essentially, it states that Dave Chappelle cancelled his show because of pressure from an influential African-American coalition, comprised of luminaries such as Bill Cosby, Al Sharpton, and Oprah Winfrey. Their position was that his show was damaging the image of African-Americans by his continued use of negative stereotypes. It's controversial, inflammatory, probably libellous, and therefore an interesting piece that I enjoyed reading.
The problem with this sort of conspiracy theory is that there is absolutely no way to prove it. There are no quotes, no facts cited, no sources, nothing concrete in the least. Academically, this material is useless. It might be true, but how can we know? The first page, where the author describes who he is and how he knows what he does, sounds the same as those emails you get saying that Bill Gates and AOL want to give away all kinds of money if you foreward this message. "My brother, who's a lawyer, says this is true!" Come on. If you're going to spread conspiracy theories, at least give us some facts, something we can check up on.
I'm not saying this didn't happen to Chappelle and the site is wrong, I'm saying that there is nothing there to differentiate it from a story. No police statements, no provable quotes, no pictures. Of course, it can't be proven false either, but that's the problem. It's just a story. If you're a JFK conspiracy theorist, you point to statements made in the Warren Commission that were proven impossible to argue a coverup took place. If you think the U.S. government shot missles at the Pentagon, you point to irregularities in the damage and FBI seizure of nearby video surveillence tapes. The argument that Chappelle was pressured into quitting his show isn't isolated to this site, but if one wants to mount a true argument that this was the reason for his cancellation, they'd better have some evidence to support it instead of mere storytelling.

The Big Red Threat

With the spectre (S.P.E.C.T.R.E.?) of communism, the Red Menace, the enemies of Freedom poised to attack our great society, we must continue to be vigilant to thwart the evil-doers. No front must go unprotected, no areas left unchecked. It is for this reason that we, the United States Treasury Board, has made the decision to not allow the nation of Cuba to play in the World Baseball Classic. That is all. Go back to your residences and await the latest edition of NewSpeak.

Would you like to know more?

Truer words?

South Park's Season 2, Episode 9 featured a film festival in the Quiet Redneck Mountain Town where Cartman describes independent films as being nothing more than Black and White Hippie Movies about Gay Cowboys eating Pudding. Seven years later, Ang Lee, the director best known for proving to the world that the Hulk is, in fact, kind of a boring character, has finally released Brokeback Mountain. The "film" features Tobey Maguire's proposed Spiderman replacement and That Guy From That Movie about Knights with the out of place contemporary soundtrack. They play gay cowboys who, despite being gay cowboys, do not eat pudding. Most likely they would prefer another helping of each other. The movie is supposed to be pretty darn good, though I suspect will not come to my own Quiet Redneck Mountain Town and thus I won't get to see it. Instead, I'll cheer myself up with the knowledge that so many others have enjoyed it. Here's hoping Brokeback Mountain finds itself up to its ass in Oscars. And Academy Awards too.

More from last year's Big Ass Wave

The name of a short-lived, long-since cancelled Fox tv show? Yes! But that phrase also relates to this:

I'm nothing

Sweet sanctity

Weight clauses are a must in any good relationship

Celeb pre-nups

Screw aliens

With the earth already conquered by America, NASA's sights are now set on the rest of the solar system. But no time for that yet!!! First we must play games with zero gravity!!!

With no porn lying anywhere (and afraid of looking even if there was), Tom and Steve make good use of their time.

Coin Flipping

As it turns out, I am a pretty dumb guy. No wait. Actually, I'm pretty smart. Sorry, wrong again, I'm actually exceedingly stupid. But then again, it doesn't matter. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!

This was my inner monologue during the last week of exams where my life's fortunes and destinies flipped back and forth like Tom Cruise's sexuality. Ba-zing!!! I went from doing as poorly as possible on my psych final (fortunately they stop taking off marks at 0%, otherwise it would've been worse) to A+sing my international studies paper to handing in my takehome poli. sci. final late because I got the date wrong. He accepted it anyways, so it didn't matter and no marks were lost. Common sense says that Two out of Three Doctors Recommend Manual Labour for me, since my score was tied going into the poli. sci. mix-up. Nothing wrong with manual labour and nothing wrong with doing it, but a lot is wrong with me doing any because I suck at it. Nothing else to do but wait for the marks and enjoy fine video dating productions

Enjoy

WELL!?!?

Doesn't the fact that I spent over 400 clams to replace various computer parts make it even EASIER to waste valuable homework time?? You bet your finely-shaved ass it does! Now, with my ripping machine and its pimpin new case, I can screw around at a speed just barely faster than previously. In this spirit, I suggest a fascinating article to read if indeed you have nothing better to do. If you have better things to do, then read it RIGHT AWAY.

Let's talk about the Jedi!!

Deep Morals

If I was a yellow-tinted light and worked at Overwaitea, I would NEVER shine myself on the bananas. If I did that, people might think they were buying yellow, ripe bananas when in fact they are buying green ones. To shame I put those other yellow lights. For I am a yellow light of principle, not deceit. Goodnight everybody.

P.S. Since he has stolen my date for the Christmas party, Mad Scrolls is in charge of finding me three replacements. If they are rented for the evening, I don't want to know about it.

Attention!!!

Single White Male, age 24, non-smoker, likes llama ranching, tire-swinging, bowstaffing, and flon. Looking for female companion for staff Christmas function. Must be willing to pay, drive to and from various locations, and bring equally attractive open-minded friend.

re: prisoner status

This is a communique from the Workers' Revolutionary Association of Grant MacEwan College. This is a final message regarding prisoner #230019976, Christopher D. Chanter. Since the ransom demand for about $3.50 has been rejected and no more attempts have been made to save him, we will be sending him to our gulags for work detail. On Sunday, November 13, 2005, he will be sent to work for our affiliated faction, the University of Northern British Columbia, where said work detail will commence until we deem him fit to return to productive society. We regret that you were unwilling to negotiate on his behalf, and it is because of this unwillingness that such harsh punishment is necessary. Remember, it would have only cost you about $3.50.

Part 2: Attempted Categorization of Sport-Specific Irrational Emotional Response Syndrome (SSIER)

Continued from Previous Post

Part 2: Management or ownership of a team represents a large portion of said team's identity. Teams can Suck if their management falls into any of three categories: Committed to Winning This Season (CWTS), Looking Ahead to the Future (LAF), or Staying Competitive With a Sensible Budget (SCWSB). Since every team must fall into one of these categories, any team can be declared to Suck. If a team is CWTS, they have a high payroll and can be accused of stealing away other teams players, commonly known as Buying a Team. If they are LAF, it is understood that they have a low payroll and thus are in a Rebuilding Program, which is management-speak for being unwilling to spend money to win now. If a team is SCWSB, they are in the middle: They will not Win Now because they don't spend enough, and they are not trading away enough good players to bring in new prospects for the Future. Thus, by simply looking at the whims and emotional states of the fan, a team can Suck because of any management direction.
A team's fans are highly influencial in determining the Suck quotient of a team. This is because opposing fans relate to them directly. If fans are not located in a Real (insert sport here) Market, they Suck. If they are fans of a team with a long tradition, they might Suck because of the determination they show in supporting a team for a long time. This is akin to declaring oneself a Liberal Party supporter for life: the battle lines have been drawn permanently. However, the largest reason fans Suck is the phenomena of "bandwagoning." This refers to the act of ignoring a team for most of its existence, then suddenly becoming a devout follower when that team finds success. This is found in two cities: cities which are used to having an inferior team, and cities that are not traditional markets for that sport. The result is a new legion of fans that often do not understand the sport, their team, or the history behind the success yet still profess themselves as long-time fans. The resulting hostility towards Bandwagoner Fans is extremely high, since True Fans will resent the lack of suffering and sacrifice BF's have endured.
In this brief, entirely serious and academic analysis, one can see how a team is said to Suck simply because one of their components exhibits certain behaviors. The question then is with so many reasons a team could Suck, how can a fan ever choose a team for themself? The answer is challenging. Since most teams end up Sucking for one reason or another, choosing a team to cheer for is based on a few criteria: if the team has enough Good Guys (players who block shots, hussle hard, grind in the trenches, and are underpaid and underappreciated), if the coach is in his first year after having Grinded It Out in the minor leagues, if local ownership has recently saved the team from moving to a different city, and if the team's fans base shows little fluctuation regardless of the team's successes. By examining these factors, a fan can properly choose a team to cheer for without hearing constant expressions of "That team SUCKS!!!"

Eye of God?

Cool pic of the Helix Nebula.

Check this out for what it is: http://www.snopes.com/photos/space/eyeofgod.asp

Alert!

A new study shows that 69% of all white, middle-class, Canadian, 24-year-old students believe statistics and polling methods have their place on non-peer reviewed publications, like blogs. A further 21% believe that given the chance, they would punch out Paul Stanley of KISS.

Part 1: Attempted Categorization of Sport-Specific Irrational Emotional Response Syndrome (SSIER)

So what are the qualities that make a team "suck"? First, how do we define Suck, since this is the all-encompassing word to describe teams that should never win and yet sometimes does. A team is made up of four components: the players, the coach, management, and their fans. If any one of these components displays generally unlikeable attitutes such as arrogance, whininess, or "We're badass and we like it," they Suck. Teams like the Toronto Maples Leafs, Baltimore Ravens, Oakland Raiders, Vancouver Canucks, or Portland Trailblazers fit this description.
After that, the individual components require specific analysis.
The team Sucks if the players show any of the following characteristics: they complain about the refs, they have one or more diver on the team, they play dirty, they play without effort, or they have large egos. Furthermore, should specific players exhibit large amounts of these behaviors, the whole team can be classified as Sucking even if the rest of the team is made up of Good Guys. Players like Dominik Hasek, Jaromir Jagr, Bryan McCabe, Claude Lemieux, Darius Miles, Tracy MacGrady, Terrell Owens, Randy Moss, Roger Clemens, Barry Bonds, or Gary Sheffield are players who's teams can never be cheered for.
Coach-specific conditions of Suckism are usually restricted to a superfluousness of ref-bashing, inciting fights when the game is no longer in doubt, or not playing younger players enough. Ego is sometimes a factor but given the short amount of time a coach holds his job for, it is usually not an issue. Exeptions include Bobby Valentine, Bob Hartley, Darryl Sutter, Bill Parcells, and Larry Brown.

The Chicago White Sox...have won...the 2005 World Series...

While not drawing the same sort of attention as last year's World Series, this year's edition had more intense games, more storylines, and overall more likeable teams. Last year, it was more a matter of hoping the Red Sox would win so that one could go back to hating them for the same reason Yankee fans hate them: they suck. For those of you who aren't baseball fans, or sports fans in general, understand that "they suck" is a valid, coherant argument to make about a fellow team. Sports are not about reason you see, but about open, outright hostility. The Vancouver Canucks, Calgary Flames, Toronto Maple Leafs, any team from Philadelphia, and the B.C. Lions, as a bonus pick for this year, fall under this categorical analysis as well. Furthermore, "they're awesome" is a valid explanation to support a team, regardless of their record, players, ownership, history, economic strength, ugly embarrasing mascot, etc.

Rock on, big guy

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

As a symbol...

Always loved Batman. Always will. Best superhero of all time because of the one quality that made him better than all the rest with "powers": he is defined by his will to attack evil. Looking at Spiderman, Superman, Fantastic Four, they all had their powers imposed on them without their consent, and acted as heroes because of their strengths (if you're going to say Superman didn't, you're wrong. He didn't choose to have his planet destroyed). Batman had no such imposition. He chose the path because he wanted to, not because he had to. The will to stand up and confront the forces that oppose us is a will so many of us have, but are unwilling to face. We love Batman because he was a regular guy who just got fed up and decided to kick ass; an unabashed revolt to the ideals of our Christian society. He's not a nice, pleasant fellow who would just smile and turn the other cheek the way we're all taught to, but would fight back the way we wish we could.

Information Alert!!!

Okay, this is probably nothing, but as a warning EVERYONE should be on the lookout for a new intoxicant alert called "B.E.E.R." If you come into contact with too much B.E.ER., you may suffer such side effects as:
Depression:
http://img305.imageshack.us/img305/8086/img01257dv.jpg

Extreme uberhotness:
http://img305.imageshack.us/img305/3672/img05636hr.jpg

Utter confusion:
http://img305.imageshack.us/img305/3960/img05460dw.jpg

The craving for more:
http://img170.imageshack.us/img170/3001/img02434ko.jpg

Or just the feeling of thinking you're totally sweet when you're not:
http://img318.imageshack.us/img318/1402/img00312il.jpg

Keep constant vigilance! You want to make sure you stay at the top of your game!
http://img170.imageshack.us/img170/5929/img06634ap.jpg

I Slam, you Slam, we all Slam for Islam!!!

If ever you were worried about the rise of American docility and tolerance:

http://www.dkosopedia.com/index.php/Quotes/Ann_Coulter
http://www.therationalradical.com/talk_shows/sean-hannity.htm

The rise of the fundamentalist Christian Right in the U.S. threatens to devolve international affairs into a kind of spiritual-realist confrontation. While many observers believe that future war will be regional and contained within small locals, we can see how current trends are leading us away from nation-state based conflict and deeper into civilization-based conflict. This refers to conflicts on religious or ethnic lines, constructs that are far more deeply imbedded. U.S. Christian fundamentalists show a willingness to use force to attain their goals of economic and political strength for reasons of divine right. For example, the current Bush administration has authorized the use of pre-emptive nuclear strikes should it be deemed necessary. The growing willingness to use open force on the world stage, while imposing new political systems on foreign cultures (Afghanistan, Iraq), suggests an overt willingness to avoid diplomacy and in favor of strength. This use of force is validated by the Christian Right's belief that America is a divinely created state and thus has the word of God to support its position. While the U.S. has been active abroad since World War II to further its own agenda, it is more recently that we see these actions being justified in terms of moral terms: right and wrong, good versus evil, the "evildoers." Such rhetoric suggests a belief that the U.S. is acting for reasons on a higher plane than the one we currently live in. Two possibilities arise. First, the global balance that currently exists, that of nuclear weapons on each side, holds since no country is willing to start a domino effect. Thus, the ultimate end to conflict is diplomatic. Second, we see countries unwilling to back down from their moral positions and, acting on the authority of a higher power, begin military action. Regardless of a nation's political position or leader's religious belief set, it is only through a secular course of action can international political diplomacy occur, and only when the leaders act for their people instead of metaphysical beliefs can world peace be maintained.

Only a month away...

http://pdl.warnerbros.com/wbmovies/harrypotter/trailer_hi.mov


It seems like Harry Potter is the only set of books and movies that people in their 20's, 30's, 40's and up can openly like and not be scoffed at. Why is that?

When Dr. Dre says crunk, you will get it crunk...

Them some fast-moving hombres.

http://www.apple.com/trailers/lions_gate/rize/large.html

This link is currently under construction, we apologize for the inconvenience.

If there is a problem, please contact The National Center for Customer Service and Complaint Management

Ponderings

If most of my posts are work-related, it's only because school gives me little else to think about than how much work there is to be done. Now, my gym is home to the Spruce Kings, one of our local junior hockey teams. This means it is also home to the Spruce Kings cheerleaders, who also have a fancy, memorable nickname that has slipped my mind. These cheerleaders use our aerobics room to practice their choreography. Before you start thinking I have the greatest job in the world, let me advise that they are 13-15 years old. If you are now more sure than ever that I have the greatest job in the world, I hope you do not live near me or anyone I know. Being the age they are, they are succeptable to many of the ills that befall teenagedom. Hence, they are sometimes the object of member-ridicule. Questions such as "Why does a hockey team need kid cheerleaders? Why do they need a coach with a special jacket?" and the like are often overheard. Perhaps some of this jest is justified, but at the same time, are people not at their best when doing things that do not need to be done? Of course there is no need for cheerleaders, but it's that quality that makes it worthwhile. There's also no need to climb Everest, give money to those in New Orleans, or let people go in front of you in traffic. It's what people do with their spare time that reflects their priorities, and thus provides insight into what kind of person they are. Certainly on a day like Thanksgiving, we ought to appreciate those who put in extra effort to make our world easier and more fun to live in.

Happy Turkey Holiday

Does anyone else get Thanksgiving and Easter mixed up? There I was, all set for a nice Good Friday off, with pay, to stay home and write The Great Impossibly Long Student Paper when I saw that I was, indeed, schedualed to work. Normally, nobody works stats but the Bossman so I asked him if they were sure it was Monday that was a stat. He was sure. I asked around, finding no helpful answers (mostly people saying "I get both days off, so I don't know." Well hot diggidy, good for you). Finally, other parts of my brain started working (those normally reserved for keeping an eye out for shiny things) and I realized that I had the wrong Turkey holiday again, and that I would have to wait many more months for my precious Friday off. The question, then, is does anybody else get these two holidays mixed up, or am I just Christian-challenged?

I'll make this really clear

Today at work I took a break from looking bored, annoyed, and unpleasant to phone up all the deadbeats who owe Gold's Gym money. Ordinarily, my shifts consists of being friendly with old ladies to the point of delirium, hostile to fratboys (can you use that term in small town B.C.?) to the point of decapitation, patronizing to my bosses to the point just short of being fired, and sardonic to fellow employees to the point of blank stares. But today, like every other Friday afternoon, is my once chance of the week to ruin people's weekends by telling them that their last payment didn't go through and if they don't come down and pay AS SOON AS POSSIBLE, we'll have no choice but to phone them again. And again. Then write them a letter. Then another. Then another. After all that, we get nasty with them. We write another letter. Okay, THEN we get to send them to collections. Being the ferocious, confrontational type that I am, I choose to make these first phone calls during the day when nobody is home. After my experiences today in these endeavours, I would like to post an open message on my blog to Jason's mommy:

Dear Mommy,

Thank you for choosing Gold's Gym for your wonderful son! I sincerely hope that he was able to enjoy the full benefits of Gold's Gym in the half-dozen or so visits he was able to make in the fifteen months we were priviledged to have him as a member. However, due to the fact that you placed a stop payment on his account with us, and the subsequent swearing and hanging up yours truly incured when meekly proposing that he fulfill the contract he signed with us, you will be sent to collections on behalf of your son this coming Wednesday. I am sorry that our relationship did not work out, and that Gold's Gym must now ruin your credit score forever (and thus preventing you from purchasing that new '57 Ford to promptly put on blocks and spread its parts all over your front lawn). If you have any questions, please do not hesitate to contact our complaint department at this URL:
http://img230.imageshack.us/img230/3862/finger1ot.jpg

Thank you very much for helping you achieve your goals.

Yours in Fitness,

Chris

A History of Violence, or a part of it

Saw this movie tonight, had waited a very long time to see it ever since the preview came out. First off, Viggo makes a very good regular joe (Roger Ebert calls his early scenes reminiscent of a Jimmy Stewart movie). Since we've all seen him chop off so, so many heads in twelve plus hours of Lord of the Rings, we also believe him capable of totally flipping out and not taking crap from anyone. If you go, expect a different sort of story from the one you may be expecting where nothing much is happening on screen, but so much beneath the surface. And from now on, Ed Harris will always remind of Skittles.

First Past the Post

Tonight I write my first post, in my first blog, on the first day of the first week in October. I saw the much anticipated Serenity tonight, and for those who haven't seen it, I'll be sure not to tell you about the part where Mal tricks the giant Four-Assed Monkey of Melcor into trimming his hedges and mowing his lawn. It is a good movie though, if you've seen the series and know Whedon's style you'll see it come through. Tomorrow night the plan is to see A History of Violence, which I'm looking foreward to even more, so I'll surely post something exhaustingly exciting on that. Dig it, y'all.