"I wish I could believe that, (blank)"

So I'm working my way through the original Generation 1 Transformers tv series, you know, for shits and giggles. I've gone back a few times now to revisit my favorite childhood show but this time I'm starting at the beginning and going all the way through. At this point, I'm well past being surpised or disappointed with how truly stupid and crappy this show is. Don't care, still love it.

I'm finding though that watching a whole bunch of episodes back-to-back is that you can't help but find even MORE things that are wrong, stupid, or deliberate attempts to insult/confuse the intelligence of their target toy market: small children and eventual nostalgic twenty-somethings. I'd like to share a few of those issues with you now, if I may. The series aired between 1984 and 1987, so of course the animation looks dated and the production values are cheap. Instead, here's some other questions that I hope go beyond the obvious, like why nobody EVER gets hit by laserfire in the battle scenes, which also afford everyone so much free time to taunt each other.

1. How is it possible for the Decepticons to have possibly survived this long when they rely on human technology for ALL their energy? If it isn't some miracle new invention to solve all the world's power problems, it's a dam, or a volcano, or oil, or a wind farm, or Duracell batteries. How can they possibly be so "advanced" when they can barely dress themselves? They must have used awfully long extension cords to get around on Cybertron.

2. I purposefully said "Decepticons" above because the Autobots do not give two shits about Energon cubes. They blow them up, throw them away, use them as corner tables, anything but use them for energy. Somehow, since the Escape From Cybertron To Find More Energy, the Autobots figured out how to generate power out of Good Intentions and High Hopes.

3. Megatron is tough, ruthless, merciless. He is most certainly without mercy or Ruth. Well, no actually. He's a pussy. It's obvious Transformers cannot be killed by anything (other than a movie) so I can see why he doesn't just kill off Starscream, but what about some kind of demerit system, or sending him to the Decepticon Corner so that he can Think About What He Did? How much crap do you think you could possibly handle from one of your employees before handing out a well-deserved bitch-slap? Answer: A lot less than Megatron does from Starscream.

4. Why don't the Dinobots combine into anything? This is just a question I've always had, it's not a flaw in the show. Or maybe it is. I mean, there's five of them, they're all dinosaurs, and... well that's really the whole formula. Five or six Transformers who all do the same thing will invariably combine, those are the rules. The Dinobots are no different from other theme teams like the Arielbots, Stunticons, Protectobots, Combaticons. Why no "Dinosaurus," "Carnotron," or "Archoplex?"

5. How many kids broke their Soundwave toys by trying to jam two or three robot tapes inside him, like he does on the show? At least one :(

6. Every once in a while, probably by accident, somebody gets hit with a laserblast. Sparks fly and the Autobot (usually) goes down with the requisite grunt and moan. There's usually some indication of damage, either a dent or burn marks or something, but they're cars, right? With windows and windshields? Could they share this indestructible CarGlass, capable of sustaining laserblasts, collisions, and impact with walls and rocks, with us Puny Humans?

7. Speaking of which, why don't the Autobots ever teach the Puny Humans anything? Ever? Assholes.

8. The opening title sequences are incredible aren't they? Especially the Season 2 intro:



Though the Season 3 song was much better, the opening sequence just isn't as fast, not as action-dense, and while it does have a quick Metroplex vs. Tripticon shot, doesn't really feature that many sweet characters.



So, why don't they get the same guys who created the intro to do the rest of the show?

9. Why can't I stop watching this stupid show??? I'm sure Ebay owns a stake in the DVD releases; each episode features a new character that I end up wanting to buy as soon as that episode is over. Hey, just like in the old days!