Gallimaufry

The absolute best part of my day, after going to bed knowing I'm going to get lots of sleep and turning on my speakers and finding out that, yup, they are way friggin better than the ones at the LD Lounge, is being at work and asking Baby Boomer-types how they're doing and have them respond with "Nope, just looking thanks." Whoa. WHOA. I didn't ask you if you wanted to purchase a product, I didn't even ask if you had any questions. You're too stupid to know what you want and your questions will be critical, insulting and only serve to illustrate your own lack of ability to listen to or absorb new ideas. That's why instead I asked how you're doing. Next time I'm going to going to respond with "Oh, I'm not going to sell you anything. I just want to know how THE FUCK YOUR DAY HAS BEEN!!! HAHAHAHA!!!"

I also like old people who come in and tell me how much better their stuff is than our stuff. "Old" is not an age with customers, it's a state of mind. It's how often you throw up your hands while listening to an explanation of how new things work, the amount of times you shake your head and accusingly complain about how fast things are changing, the extent you assume I, the relatively young salesperson, know little about this "real world" that myself and peers continue to be threatened with while we work our asses off for barely above minimum wage while paying off student loans on the degree we paid for ourselves for the purpose of getting ahead and getting that better job we were told would be out there. It's also the kind of sweater you wear. I'm fascinated by these people who managed, despite being unable to decipher the difference between an ethernet cable and a tipped cow, to find the perfect television and the ideal home video format 15 years ago (a 37-inch Sharp and a Laserdisc, of course). If arguments can be won with no facts and intense staring, and they can, then I'm fucking sold. I'd rather watch a 37-inch Sharp than real life now, and DVD's and Blu-Ray? Fuck off. Three words for you: Shiny Colored Records. They are the SHIT, the bee's knees, the one cold beer in a fridge of stillwarms. Laserdiscs, despite having no true surround sound, no digital audio, the inability to fit any more than 60 minutes on each side (yep, you had to flip them. Flip them FOR REAL) and BEING FUCKING ENORMOUS, are way better than DVD's, and probably Blu-Ray too. Why? Get the hell out of here with your "why." They just are. You're too young to understand, that's all. See, years ago there were these things called "A-tracks." You'd put them in your car and they wouldn't hold many songs and you'd have to flip them for real at some point. THAT'S why Laserdisc and TV's weighing as much as a solid gold car driven by William Howard Taft are better. Now look what you've done, you've gone and upset me. I've got spittle on my cardigan.

I actually do find older customers fun to talk with, it's a low-pressure sales job so listening to nattering folkies is considered good service. Most of them are friendly and earnest and don't want to learn about technical things, which is awesome because I know not of technical things. Well I do know of technical things, like I know of Latin or changing transmissions. Old people don't know about these things and don't WANT to know about them, they want to know if they can still hook up "that big black one over there" to their VCR with coaxial cables, and if The Waltons will come on at the same time. It's easy to sell things when all your answers are "Hell ya you can hook dat shit up!"

It's those lonely old men who've taken on the responsibility of Voice of The Greatest Generation that are the worst. They don't want to buy anything, they're not impressed by a full 1080p Blu-Ray picture or a lossless DTS soundtrack and, most importantly, they don't like YOU. I don't think much of my own generation, it may not be entirely our fault we're so apathetic, disinterested and nihilistic but it's tiresome nonetheless, and thus I don't enjoy having title of Voice of the Gratest Generation imposed upon me.*

It occurs to me that if I didn't make so many little typos in my writing I might get away with more a few more subtle puns. As such "Gratest" may be mistaken as just another error than the intended pun of "grating," or irritating, in place of "greatest." It's not even a joke really, just an appropriate description, but still not worthy of such a long explanatory diversion.

Listening to the old Luddites prattle on about the superiority of their own wooden equipment, with their stone circuitry and toilet paper tubes and string interconnects, I can't help but wonder if they just ran out of people to tell and are now working through Strangers, or they just repeat the same rants over and over without concern about whether anyone's actually in front of them or not. Either way, hearing about how great some person's old crap sounds makes me think that probably both of us would be happier if they were at home listening to it right now.