Disclaimer

The problem with writing a blog is that you're always writing in isolation, without a nagging Voice of Reason to remind you that sometimes people are idiots. I've written about work a few times, considered a Bad Idea in today's Global Market, but each time it's obviously been quite tongue-in-cheek and ridiculous. No specifics, no names, safe right? Well, so far so good, but I just know some day I'll get a phone call from a student, looking to become a Chartered Accountant, who stumbles upon "The Official CASB Webpage" and thinks that the purpose of CASB employees is to deny some student's taxation course just because some kid opened a window. I really hate writing anything serious on here since this is my safe place to flip out and write nonsense, but just for a moment I might have to. Everyone works hard at CASB, they really care about the students, they try their best, and put in plenty of long hours. Anything silly and tongue-in-cheek that I might write to the contrary is to be laughed at or ignored, depending on your affiliation. Free speech should mean we don't have to undermine our public statements by posting Disclaimers for the Humor Impaired. We shouldn't have to fear that someone will misintrepret a joke then say that it's our fault they didn't get it. Normally the person who misunderstands a message is the one blamed.

Too bad it's not like that. Instead, I have to write a "Please don't sue/fire me" post. In the interest of disclosure, nothing prompted this but you never can tell who wants to usurp your Awesome Cubicle of Awesome Awesomeness by using a little dirt.

Gods vs. Clods II

With the prevelance of blogs moving increasingly into the mainstream and away from insomniacs living in their parents' basement, the impact of blogs (blogpact?) on every day life is being reported on more frequently. Articles on the dangers of writing a blog about work, the lasting efffect of one's "digital footprints" left online, and issues of blogger accountability seem to appear on MSN.com and Slate magazine every day. While the word "blog" refers mostly to individual online logs, the mentality and ideology appears from online encyclopedias (onlinecopedias?), Wikipedia the most popular, to Shoutwire, a "community based internet news website." The commonality between Wikipedia and ShoutWire is the weight given to viewer participation that determines published content. On Wikipedia, viewers determine what changes occur within the articles. Certainly there are guidelines and reviews to prevent libel or vandalism, but the principle, where material is updated from the grassroots rather than by an exclusive, top-down authority remains the same. On Shoutwire, the articles that have been commented on the most are listed first, at least in the case of websites that carry Shoutwire material, such as Torrentspy.com.

What individual blogs, onlinecopedias and community news sites have in common is the value they place on community participation. Comments from readers are always encouraged and often given in raw, unedited form. Comments are posted right away uncensored, often leading to heated, sudden debate. Wikipedia, which does utilize far more review and oversight over submissions, has nonetheless been victim of many vandalism attempts, some pranks (Stephen Colbert's African Elephants) some worse (one individual's biography listed him as a suspect in the Kennedy assassination, in his case clearly untrue).

The contrast between contemporary community news and traditional print or television news is the filtration utilized by the information source. Newspaper editors print only the letters they see fit, television news manipulates interviews for brevity and content. This level of top-down control certainly lends itself to a degree of elitism, but also a level of hindsight. Online news sites are filled with comments which, to be mild, give little effort to tact or moderation. In the end, more voices are heard but as a result, more are drowned out. The speed at which news stories are reported, commented, debated, and in some cases retracted has increased dramatically with the synergistic nature of internet information sharing. Convenience of access and volume of information are the benefit, but peer review, reflection and informed debate are hindered simply because the breath of information curtails the debth of analysis. With the emphasis on attaining more information on the latest news story, the analysis stage that used to be part of a viewer's digestive cycle is at risk of being lost.

Schadenfreude

Sure neglected the blog VERY badly the last little while. Mostly blame stupid FaceBorg for assimilating my free time, as well as some time that should not have been free. That addiction has worn off, but not enough to bring back the blog in full force. That changed, with this major news announcement. When this was announced on Friday, the news spread through my office faster than gossip about someone getting fired. In the four and a half months I worked there, I never saw everyone as happy as they were that day. Outright, unbridled joy spread through the halls as souls sang their unrequited happiness for all to see. 99% of the time the amount of attention given to young Hollywood trailer trash is representative of society's lack of guidance and failing morals. For one day at least, that misguided focus brought our shaken morals and failing hope up from it's knees and let it cheer from the rooftops. Now get back to work!!!

This is the manner in which I roll

Modern Poetry That Rhymes

I am a little worker Bee
Though closer to a grade of D
They do not seem pleased with me
But neither am I with thee.

The Man says I don't initiate
But rather than retaliate
The resume gets another update
Then to Tim's to re-caffeinate.

Upon return confusion shows
Within the depth chart, rows on rows,
Frustration on the faces grows
Long-term planning? No-one knows.

Morale is low but production high,
An equation for staff to say goodbye
It's the Soviet School of Just Add Try!!!
Who cares how many men will die?

Facebook

Facebook has stolen all of my blogtime. I hate it so much.

The Official CASB Webpage

Hi. This blog post is all about CASB employees, REAL CASB EMPLOYEES. This blog is awesome. My name is Chris and I can't stop thinking about CASB employees. These guys are cool; and by cool, I mean totally sweet.

Facts:
1. CASB employees are mammals.
2. CASB employees hold up student transcripts ALL the time.
3. The purpose of CASB employees is to train tomorrow's Chartered Accountants by generating paperwork.

Weapons and Gear:

Cubicle

PhotocopierFolders

Testimonial:
CASB employees can ruin the chartered accounting dreams of anyone they want! Even rich ones with good pre-requisite marks! CASB employees lose files and ignore emails ALL the time and don't even think twice about it. These guys are so crazy and awesome that they dress business casual ALL the time. I heard that there was this CASB employee who was eating at a diner. And when some student dropped his Blackberry the CASB employee deleted the Confirmation of Practical Experience for the whole town. My friend Kelsey said that she saw some CASB employee totally deny some student's Taxation course just because some kid opened a window.

And that's what I call REAL ULTIMATE POWER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If you don't believe that accountants have REAL Ultimate Power you better get a life right now or they will make sure your mature student application sits in a pile in the boss's office for months!! It's an easy choice if you ask me.

Q and A:
Q. Why is everyone so obsessed with CASB employees?
A. CASB employees are the ultimate paradox. On one hand, they have a lot of work to do, but on the other hand they use entire meetings to announce the new database's theme song.

Q. I heard that CASB employees are always slow and inefficient. What's their problem?
A. Whoever told you that is a total liar. Just like other mammals, CASB employees can be slow moving files OR leave early.

Q. What do CASB employees do when they are not ignoring phone messages or denying foreign students?
A. Most of their free time is spent going to get coffee but sometimes they Roll Up the Rim to Win. (Ask Danielle if you don't believe me.)

Like blowing too much air into a balloon!!!

Sometimes, once in a blue moon, when you least expect it, for reasons you can't explain, right out of the blue, when things seem like they'll never change, when life hurls you a lemon, in world where everything you know is wrong, at the edge of space, in a galaxy far far away, in the not-too-distant future, when all the world's a stage, where laughter was king, ONE MAN, armed with only his soul to protect him, will face insurmountable odds, to save himself, and everything he knows to be true....

All I wanted to write was that I'm moving up in the world, out of my workspace/playpen and into a real cubicle. Then I got stuck in a loop and realized that I didn't want to write about my cubicle, I just wanted to play with words. Join me as I tangent.

The Artist Formerly Known as Mad Scrolls was called a communist recently, merely for describing a pastoral setting where the residents were all equal, lived an agrarian lifestyle, each performed jobs according to their skills, and worked for the benefit of the community. Why someone, who shall remain nameless, would deface a defenseless blogger is a sad indication of the carelessness, and flamboyant inaccuracies, of many internet posts. What was even more disturbing was that some brave soul, a voice of reason and strength in an increasingly nihilistic world, attempted to counter-comment only to be censored by The Author. This kind of omniscient, top-down value enforcement by a faceless authority figure of unknown origin was uncalled for; the Speaker should not have been withheld from expressing his or her right to proliferate a mindless discussion about communism, of which few, if any, elements even exist within this topic. The phrase, I believe, was "flame on."

In keeping with the completely random, disconnected nature of today's soliloquy, I must confess that recently, in the heat of the tedium of the moment, I insulted someone over the internet once. It was nothing they deserved, but, alas, I fell victim to baser instincts. In a safe, polite, complimentary setting, I wanted to be the big man. I wanted to bully, hurt, scare others, just to prop myself up. I know, you don't believe me. Well believe it, you believers. I was lucky enough to get away with it, this time, since there's no way to know it was me. In fact, it looked like someone was going to reply but, showing maturity and grace beyond my own, chose to withdraw. I'm glad they did, for it quells the guilt inside me. It made me realize that better people are out there, and it gives me hope for myself.

Hammer time

I am fortunate to be surrounded by a number of opinionated people, and by surrounded I mean they have blogs. It's always better to have a dumb opinion than no opinion, and if you have a dumb opinion ideally you'll write a blog about it so I can drop the hammer on you.
First, the issue of fully legalized drug use. The same people who advocate total legalization seem to think it would save taxpayers money because the RCMP wouldn't have as many investigations to do, jails wouldn't be as full, and worldwide terrorism would disintegrate (that's what it says!). By the same logic, if we de-criminalize murder and theft the RCMP wouldn't need to exist, jails would be empty and converted to schools, and the Rapture would begin. What nonsense. Making a financial argument in favor of de-criminalizing narcotics is to completely ignore the crippling burden that would be placed on our already sapped health care system. The reason Canada has a national health care system is because people are willing to part with their hard-earned dollars in order to benefit society. While drug-users wish for freedom, they forget that if you want the legal right to smoke or inject yourself with whatever you want, you can't then expect society to fund your rehab clinics and medical support systems. That's why society gets to tell you what you can and can't put in your body, because they have to pay for it.
If you're REALLY clever, you'll have already picked out a bit of a flaw in that argument. You'll say that society deems smoking and alcohol legal but not marijuana, how does that make any sense? It doesn't. Like the article mentions, prohibition didn't work. The problem is that we'd be trying to go backwards and frankly it's too late. Historically, governments have shown that they are perfectly willing to allow their populace to dumb themselves down on some mildly addictive substance, witness the dirt-cheap, readily available amounts of vodka in the Soviet Union. Tobacco farming has generated a lot of domestic income in the United States and Canada, so it's not going anywhere. The biggest change we're likely to see anytime soon is the government easing up on marijuana, and that still has some hurdles to climb. Bottom line, if you want to be able to run around promoting unrestricted narcotic use, you'd better be advocating a market-style health care system and a libertarian-style "government," because you won't get it both ways. Hands up who's going to lead that charge? Didn't think so.

On a day when the Edmonton Oilers retired the number of my first childhood hero, they traded away my latest favorite. I was 9 when I watched the Oilers beat Boston 4-1 in 1990 to win their fifth Stanley Cup, the only one I was old enough to remember. Last year they were within one game of adding a sixth, and if they had do so Ryan Smyth would still be an Oiler, with a contract until retirement, and on the list of future jersey retirement ceremonies. I remember the shot of Mark Messier hoisting the Stanley Cup in 1990, flanked by Kevin Lowe and Jari Kurri, though now it seems like a different lifetime. Yet as though it was yesterday, I remember Ryan Smyth's lost teeth and overtime assist against San Jose, playing with the flu against Anaheim, and his glorious end to end rush in Game 6 of the Finals. These were supposed to be the start of a new set of memories, a first chapter in a new era of economic equality where the Oilers would content once again. Instead, since that empty net goal in Game 7, it's been nothing but repeated kicks in the teeth. Pronger, Spacek, Peca, Laraque, Bergeron, Samsonov, and now Smyth are gone, with no promise left but that of another rebuilding project.

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools;

-Rudyard Kipling

Gods and Clods

With the upcoming Academy Awards (5:30 MT, check your local listings!) about to fill one channel for about the same amount of time as the Super Bowl, it seemed like a natural time to analyze the disparity between mass markets and minority pretension. The Oscars, I don't know how to say this, are kind of a Big Deal. They have many leather-bound books and the auditorium smells of rich mahogany, though that could be Charlton Heston's cologne. It's usually the second highest rated show of the year after said Super Bowl, proving how easy it is to divide North America into two basic demographics. Forget 18-34 males and focus groups, TV viewers are either able to criticize Indianapolis' rush defense without Bob Saunders or criticize Halle Berry's Vera Wang without Eric Benet. For those of you who can do neither, you're qualified to tell me why my computer restarts itself constantly when I put the side case back on, but is fine when left open.

Back to the show. Like the U.S. presidential vote or the Grammy's, the Oscars are another venue to illustrate the gap between the masses' preference and those of the ruling class. In the last U.S. election, George W. Bush received 62,040,610 votes, or 50.73%. The eligible voting population is 200,760, 369. That means Bush received 30.09% support of the masses. In 2003, Steely Dan won Best Album over the Marshall Mathers LP. None of the nominees from last year's Academy Awards were the same as in the 2006 MTV Movie Awards. Obviously, there is considerable disparity between the preferences of the masses and the elite. The debate is whether or not this is a problem.

"Wedding Crashers" was selected Best Movie at the MTV awards that year, while "Crash" won the Oscar. Which film is more worthy of public celebration, one that celebrates the distracting opiate of slapstick humor, or one that points out the complexities behind racial behavior? The latter is certainly guilty of beating a dead horse, while the former probably would have literally done so if it tested well. On that subject, I'll try to find my point, since when I started I had one. If we let the masses have their way, sure, lots of god-awful artsy foreign films will find their way back to France where they belong, but the only thing that will replace them is Adam Sandler. Mass markets rarely recognize important subjects on their own terms, as evidence by the fact that Brokeback Mountain's box office gross was more a result of curiosity than any recognition of the important breakthrough being made. Enjoy Starship Troopers, but better read 1984 or Brave New World first. It's fine to take the opiate as long as you earned the distraction.

I AM AN ACCOUNTANT

GREETINGS. MY NAME IS LURR FROM THE PLANET OMICRON PERSEI 8. UPON YOU PUNY HUMANS I UNLEASH MY POWERS OF CRIPPLING TEDIUM, CAPABLE OF CRUSHING EVEN THE SHARPEST PUNY HUMAN MIND INTO A BLITHERING MASS OF GIBBERSOME, SHUDDERING GREY MATTER.

I'd like to put to rest some stereotypes, if I may. The jokes are funny, but please, a serious moment. Despite the way in which they are portrayed in the media, TV, and blockbuster action movies, accountants are not always dynamic, charismatic balls of spontaneity. Call me a politically correct sillynanny, but I feel the need to remind people that, shocking as it my seem, some accountants are actually restrained, cautious people who would just as soon do your taxes on a Saturday night as alphabetize, categorize and audit your grocery list. Yes friends, accountants need well-organized, pre-planned triple-stamped love too. Should you feel the need to express it to them, you will be required to submit a pre-application form, two reference letters from others towards whom affection has been previous expressed, a carbon copy application form outlining the proposed affection transaction, and a personal letter of Sentimental Intent.

Vegas Baby!

I know what you're thinking. Why don't they come out with an electric toothbrush that's also an MP3 player and recharges itself through its USB port? Stop letting that mind wander aimlessly and pay attention! As if you could hear the music over the brushing sounds anyways! The big news in these parts is my upcoming trek to that Mecca of good clean wholesome fun, that Saloon of Solemnity, that Den of Discipline, that Residence of Restraint, Las Vegas. I'll pause while you tell me how cool you think that is. You're not going to listen to music when you aren't brushing your teeth either! How much time do you spend in the bathroom anyways? Exactly!
The occasion is for a wedding of my buddy Marc who also deemed me fit to be in the wedding party. This will be the first time I've been in one, and I can't imagine how hard it's going to be to figure out a bachelor party plan down there. NO I'M NOT GOING TO ASK HIM, HE'LL THINK IT'S A STUPID IDEA TOO!
It's not until May and I'll be back with lots of scenery pictures, but those are the only kind.

Orifice Politics

Cut your hair, meet this due date, that's what Wand'ring Prophets hate,
Stacks of files go on for miles yet pace yourselves just like reptiles,
Take those lunches, breaks in bunches yet still complain about time crunches,
Dress up nice but no suits o' thrice, business casual will suffice.



There are files and copiers, bosses and overtime,
Mondays and customers are all partners in crime,
Yet so confined to a world of relentless monotony,
Such statements are made without a trace of irony.

So many files, so many student accountants,
Who are up to their pleats in self-centered entitlements,
Phoning and emailing with long-winded inquirements,
Still they are slaves to our indecipherable requirements.

So tomorrow I return to my cliche-d job,
Slowly turning into a business/casual slob,
Typing and filing all day might sound easy,
But without some rebellion it gets mighty queasy,
At heart I've found that I really don't care
for our short-sighted society that makes me dispair,
All I can think is that humanity will meet doom
Because it spent all its time in a halogen room.

The Office cont.

Apparently Tobias the Wandering Hippie Prophet, armed with his Degree of Uselessness, has more employability than he thought. Today was the first day at my new job as a registration officer at CASB. So far so good, got my own little cubicle to go with my files, folders, chairs and desks. Right downtown too with a discount at the downstairs gym and walkways to various shops and such. It's my own little self-contained world away from all the commoners. Updates as they come.

The Office

Had a job interview today (in Alberta, it's pronounced "yob." Learning is POWER!). For an office job. With files, folders, chairs and desks. And maybe, just maybe, if the office is lucky, a little me in its future. Long interview. Not gonna lie to ya. The kind of interview where no matter what you say you aren't sure if it was right or not. The kind of interview where you tell them one of your hobbies is working on that novel of yours. Oops. Maybe. Who knows? Next week, I'll know if my ramblings were better than those of the next interviewee. Or if I should have got that haircut and not gone into a button-down office job interview looking like Tobias the Wandering Hippie Prophet.

New Death Star not yet fully operational

People take on a pretty irritating air whenever they talk about Alberta's economic might. Doesn't matter if they live here, in Prince George or on Hoth they all say the same thing: "There's so many jobs in Alberta right now! Why, to not have one within seconds of crossing the border can only mean that you are so preposterously useless and unqualified that, were this a few hundred years ago, you'd be treated as cattle! You're not cattle, are you?" To which I reply that I am not, and thank them not to bring up the nature of my degree again. Of course, to do a proper analysis of the financial wherewithal of any Alberta town, you must use what's known as the Subway Standard. Each town's Subway wages and benefits are ranked and compared, and the highest (seemingly Fort McMurray, where Subway compensates their employees on the same payscale as Major League Baseball and provides each employee with their own personal doctor, dentist, orthodontist, and ophthalmologist) wins the valuable distinction of being used in every British Columbians' example of Why Alberta Is Better Than Us.
So still no job, though not for lack of not trying. Got a few applications in which means I'm right where I want to: Playing the Guilt-Free Waiting Game. Both jobs I'm qualified for and before you even ask, neither involves wearing a beret and reciting anti-corporate modern poetry after hours in an independently owned, Fair Trade-selling coffee shop. If neither pans out, then I stop playing the Waiting Game and start playing Call People You Know and Pretend to Like, which isn't as much fun because more people are playing and all think they know the rules better than the other. Hopefully the Waiting Game goes on for a while yet.
Here's a few more pics of Mexico contrasted with the drive from P.G. to Edmonton. *SIGH*

New Death Star for Darth Forehand

Bloglecting came wooshing back suddenly over the last month and I had to jump back on the fad-bandwagon. It was a busy month, finished my B.A. in Political Science with a Psychology minor, briefly ended the long-term relationship before jet-setting with the family off to Puerto Vallarta. A good time was had by all, if not a tanned time. Then, two and half days of horrible shit! Moving? Never again. My one break in the stress was New Year's Eve and the inevitable New Year's Day Resolution to Never Drink Again. So far so good, if only because of a sinus infection and sore throat that I'm still getting over. Here's a few pics from Mexico:

City of Champions

We meet again prairie town. A different town you were when last we spoke, smaller, a little less sure of yourself. Now you grown stronger by the day. People speak of you with reverence, respect, and a little bit of fear. They make boasts in your name, claiming outrages wages and benefits bestowed upon your Subway employees, homeless using job offers as rolling papers, and oil that flows like wine. But I remember you from a simpler time when your name meant little more than urban sprawl, bleak winters, transplanted Torontonians, and Ukrainians jokes.
Soon I will return, different as well, and after we dispense with insincere pleasantries my work will resume, this time in earnest. We'll see who conquers whom.

Ginormous Hugantic Distance!

Like watching that fat man get hit with a bowling ball, it's hypnotic the way you can't stop watching.

Update 2.0

I'm not going to lie to you. A LOT of people read my blog. Lots of them. Who? Um, Steve. And Wanda. And that guy who's always doing that voice thing. Because of the millions (and millions!) of Darth Forehand's fans, I duly note that I have not posted much lately. Many of you feel that I'm being lazy or neglecting, but I'm not. Instead, Neglecting the Blog, or "Bloglecting," was a hot new trend I was pushing for a while. Since other people started doing it too it's not cool anymore, so the new hot trend is Posting on the Blog, or "Postogging."

It's actually been an eventful time. Finished all my term papers on intelligence agencies and government, a cinematic analysis of Chicago and Syriana, and the benefits of glutamine supplementation (apparently, there is some). Now it's cruise control until next Wednesday's first final, then another five day break before three in a row. Then a few days later the long-distance relationship comes to an end. So things are definately looking up, and with more free time on the horizon I thought it best to use that time wisely and really try to benefit from it spiritually and emotionally. So I activated my High-Definition cable box and hooked it up to the big screen. If HD-TV is the way of the future, and the government says it will be, the future looks awesome. I watched a whole football game last night and I don't even like football. In fact, that's what I'm going to do now! No time to finish this sen