"The Edmonton Oilers are Stanley Cup Champions for the 10th Year in a row!" "Hart Memorial Trophy: Jarret Stoll"

It's that time of year again, when the leaves change colour, the chill of winter enters the air, and filthy rotten maggots go back to school. Or at least that's what they tell me is happening, because this time of year sees the release of the newest edition of the NHL series from EA Sports and the outside world ceases to exist. With my ascension a few years ago (at least, I thought it was an ascension) into the world of PC gaming, which I was always told was better than console, I was looking forward to the new treats that would surely be offered by EA. Turns out, EA is not interested in treats. It's interested in producing games that suck for PC. Last year, EA made a big fuss over NHL '07 having a totally re-designed shooting system that would compliment its improved deking system, all of which would appear in brilliant detail thanks to the Hot Sexy New Graphics chip. Great! Except none of that was available on the PC version, only on the XBOX 360 and PS3. Weak. It was essentially the same game as the year before, with some roster updates and a new interface. Very weak indeed as my hard-earned money (well, earned anyway) went down the drain.

This year, not willing to shell out more cash for a product that was the same as one I'd put hundreds of hours into already (Oh, I still played it. Lots of it), I did some research to see if NHL '08 for PC was actually going to be any different. At www.easports.com, I read up on the NHL '08 PC forums to get an idea of what kind of game to expect, and the posts were enlightening. Turns out that once again, the game is the same as the year before with none of the thrilling new features that have made NHL '08 for XBOX 360/PS3 a very well-received game. So yeah, disappointment again.

The interesting thing about reading the posts, and the whole reason behind writing about it, was the emotion involved. People felt like they "just got slapped in the face" and blamed EA for being "consumed by corporate greed and continue to belch out crap after crap worth of game" and "would never buy an EA game ever again." Such a personal insult to their Nerdsmanship! Imagine, an company not providing a flawless simulation into which nerds can disappear and pretend they'd never chosen school over a sure-fire NHL career, which, in their minds, seems more and more likely as their years go by. These types of comments were everywhere, not just in the PC section. Complaints about all kinds of features that gamers didn't like. It's possible, just possible, that gamers can be a little subjective when it comes to evaluating the value of their Nerdplay. The new features that have been added to EA hockey games (presumably EA makes other sports games, and maybe even non-sports games as well, so this may be true of them as well. Still, those are all unconfirmed rumours, especially that they make a football game called Madden something. Football video games! Lewd, crude, sagacious, OUTRAGEOUS!) each year are sometimes a waste of time, such as Euro league teams the last bunch of years, and some times welcome, such as the impressive evolution of player instincts and AI on special teams. Obviously each player has their own preference, hence EA's increase in customization within the game (puck friction, penalty severity, game speed, etc.). My opinion was always that the games have gotten gradually better each year, with some cool new features added in each time yet perplexingly finding features that were welcomed in past year now missing. Some versions have suffered from just lack of common sense, like not telling the user when their injured players would return, or just awkward interface where the info you need all the time isn't immediately available. Really, until the last few years, the improvements were steady and reliable.

Back to the comments. The degree to which many posts were expressing anger and outrage over EA putting out a sub-standard weren't just surprising in that they were angry and disappointed, it was that they felt cheated out of something they felt they were entitled to, that something they were expecting was not gratified. It's rare to find that degree of customer response in regards to an entertainment product; it's similar to movie versions of beloved books or comics that take liberties with the plot and characters. Yet in most cases, if a customer doesn't get the product they want or expected, they simply go to another company and buy another version. It's reasonable to expect that Earl's obey all the Foodsafe laws, yet if you got sick after eating there you wouldn't rail away about what an injustice it was and how you were let down how the state of society is declining and nobody cares anymore and kids wear their pants too low and today's music sucks and is too loud and you want to get what pierced I don't think so you're not going out wearing that go to your room and change I swear that girl has a real attitude problem she gets it from your side of the family you know. No, you wouldn't say that. You'd bitch and complain about it, but ultimately you'd just avoid eating there and go elsewhere. There's a difference between This Product Sucks And I'm Disappointed and This Product Sucks, How DARE They! That's how the market works, the best products and services survive since if they don't appease customers, they're out of business. With entertainment, in this case EA Sports, the types of features that characterize a good or bad product are subject to the whims of an enormously varied customer base. That base runs the gamut of beginning players who can't find A and B to veteran players of the franchise that notice each addition and tweak from version to version. What makes the game "fun" is totally dependant on the player, hence the necessity to focus on variability within the game itself so that players can set it how they want it.

Back to the comments, again. I was bummed that the PC version wasn't going to contain any Hot Sexy New Features, but I didn't feel like EA owed it to me to do so. Probably most people felt the same way, that it's disappointing that EA chose to ignore it's PC customer base that, according to their own polls on their own website, occupies 45% of their total game sales. It's their loss, we just won't buy it. Once again though, we'll have to resort to other means to play out our sporting fantasies on PC...

The Official TRANSFORMERS Website

Hi, this site is all about TRANSFORMERS , REAL TRANSFORMERS. This site is awesome. My name is Chris and I can't stop thinking about TRANSFORMERS. These guys are cool; and by cool, I mean totally sweet.

Facts:

1. TRANSFORMERS are robots.
2. TRANSFORMERS transform into product placement ALL the time.
3. The purpose of TRANSFORMERS is to throw each other into buildings and taunt.


Weapons and gear:

Advertising

Toys

Puny Human helpers













Testimonial:

TRANSFORMERS can invade any planet they want! Even ones full of humans trying to pick up chicks! Transformers use Japanese fighting poses ALL the time and don't even think twice about it. These guys are so crazy and awesome that they search for the AllSpark ALL the time. I heard that there was this Transformer who was eating at a diner. And when some dude dropped a spoon the Transformer shot arcing lasers at the whole town. My friend Mike said that he saw a Transformer totally change scale at some some kid just because the kid opened a window.

And that's what I call REAL ULTIMATE POWER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If you don't believe that TRANSFORMERS have REAL ULTIMATE POWER you better get a life right now or they will make sure to step on your mom's plants!!! It's an easy choice, if you ask me.

Transformers are sooooooooooo sweet that I want to crap my pants. I can't believe it sometimes, but I feel it inside my heart. These guys are totally awesome and that's a fact. Transformers are tall, metal, good at taunting and giving long-winded soliloquies, and sweet. I can't wait to start buying my first car next year. I love Transformers with all of my body (including my pee pee).

Q and A:

Q: Why is everyone so obsessed with Transformers?
A: Transformers are the ultimate paradox. On the one hand they're from Japan, but on the other hand they're GMC vehicles.

Q: I heard that Transformers are always running past the same background. What's their problem?
A: Whoever told you that is a total liar. Just like other robots, Transformers can be in space OR totally running around in a desert.

Q: What do Transformers do when they're not fighting civil wars or stealing Energon cubes?
A: Most of their free time is spent surfing the web to learn English but sometime they attempt to usurp leadership. Sometimes these attempts work, but mostly they anger Megatron. (Ask Starscream if you don't believe me.)

This is a picture of my best friend Hans showing off.













He's a lot older than me and almost done with with transforming his Jeep into spare parts, which is braggable.

The Contrabulous Databasenaval of Professor Horatio Hufnagel

(Open with high-angle shot of a thriving downtown.)

(Voiceover) "Hi, I'm Troy McLure. You may remember me from such corporate videos as Slaughterhouse 5 Million: The Miracle of McDonald's, and El Presidante's New Clothes: The Thriving Honduran Garment Industry. Today we're visiting the International Worldwide Global Headquarters of APRO Universal Databases and Shoe Repair."

(Camera pans quickly over to dilapidated house with a lady on the porch throwing cats at homeless people)

(Troy comes out of the house through the back yard screen door)

(Cut to mid-shot)

"Greetings friend, didn't see you there! All ready to learn about the magic of databases?"

"Mr. McLure, what's a database?"

(Troy looks confused, then looks down and sees a young boy with a high voice)

"Who said that? Oh, it's you, Jimmy."

"Billy."

"Sure. A database is made up of two things: Data, Latin for "cyborg" and Base, Latin for "low pitch." A database is kind of like a refrigerator. On the outside it looks like nothing special, just a mass of metal and ceramics taking up a huge amount of space and energy. But on the inside, you'll find a wondrous array of surprises and treats, though sometimes not where you left them and more often than not, improperly preserved."

"Mr. McLure, I have a friend who thinks that APRO databases are cheap and unreliable. Are they wrong?"

"Ha ha, of course they are Jimmy. Probably not a Self-Starter either. You see, Apro databases use an exciting new development in the database field, the Hierarchical Model that ensure timely and precise data extraction."

"Isn't APRO also the name of UFO research group that helped fake an alien abduction story in the 1970's? Do you think that has anything to do with their high fail rate and unreliability today?"

(Camera cuts to Technical Difficulties screen)

Was it the same cat?

It's a sad feeling when you discover something exciting but nobody else is as interested as you are. This morning, I went to Tim Horton's armed with only some change and an American $1 bill, hoping they would accept it. Not only did they accept it, but they used a 1.55 exchange rate, meaning that my $1.60 large mocha cost only $1.03. This morning the Canadian dollar, you may have heard, was worth over .96 cents. It's a loophole in the whole system! If only there was a retail store doing this as well, one could convert their money to US dollars, purchase products with their out-of-date exchange rate, then return them later and make profit out of nothing. That's a lot of work and I'm already bored of the idea, but finding a system glitch in the Matrix is always cause for nerdly blog entries.

Kirk out.

Bullish

Hot today. Hot yestaday. One-na deese days dat heat's goan leave, and all dem souls who's been-a bitchin and a-complainin' these past few weeks is goan be sorry.

Starting to get very acclimatized to the +30 weather the past while, which makes a move to the Okhanogan even more enticing. The nice things about Albertans is that despite their boastful attitute and supreme confidence in everlasting oil flow, they still know that when it comes to Stuff To Do Outside, B.C. reigns supreme. I know this, because Tyler knows this. Walking home in the evenings gives me the requisite fresh air for the day, and as such keeps my mood up, such as it is. This combination is good, and worth investigating further...

Truly, this is a post just for the sake of posting. I'm not ashamed, and perhaps this will lead to a Hot New Trend (TM).

Never did move into that cubicle, it was all a smoke and mirrors distraction. Instead, I've remained in my "bullpen," better titled the "Playpen." The job has changed though, from registrations to module registrations, as reflected in my Hot Sexy New Title: Senior Module Registrations Officer. Now, rather than make sure students have all their educational pre-requisites taken care of, I register, unregister, reregister, and throughregister students into our modules. I don't think I've ever been as bored in my entire life as I am right now typing this.

Here's something more amusing, at least to me:

The gunshot was deafening in the vault as Peavy went down, still holding the briefcase. Ritchie carefully wiped his fingerprints off, placed it in Peavy's palm, and picked up the case. It was still locked but he'd worry about that later. He stepped out of the vault door and listened carefully, making sure he was the only one there. He couldn't see much in the dark but he reassured himself that he must be alone. He moved quickly towards the office window and started to cut out a hole. He hated heights, and the view down from the 76th floor made him sick. He focused on the glasscutter, just needing to weaken it before busting it out. Chopper should be here soon, he told himself. He looked back into the vault and froze. Peavy's body was gone.

The barrel clicked behind his ear and Ritchie knew the heist was over. The glasscutter fell to the floor as his body went limp, the barrel smoking in the moonlight. Peavy tossed the gun to the side, took off his gloves, undid his jacket and took off the kevlar. He'd been wearing it all day and it was starting to stink. Off in the distance, the sound of helicopter blades grew louder. Peavy hurried back to the vault and grabbed a large box, pulled it off the shelf, and yanked it open from the top. He yanked out a single-use rocket launcher and brought it to the window. Setting it up just far enough into the office that he wouldn't be seen, he waited for it to come into sight.

What'll really upset y'all is that Peavy was stealing the money to pay for his daughter, a deaf mute club-footed paraplegic, to have an operation to remove a tumor from her brain. She was only nine.

It's probably pretty clear that at this point, I assume that nobody reads my blog so I'm going to write whatever I feel like. A few months ago, at my job's corporate retreat, I smartly aligned myself at the same table as the CEO, conducted myself pretty well, but the conversation somehow (not by my doing) turned to the internet and blogs. I mentioned that I had one and the CEO's interest piqued noticeably. Since then, I've got a little paranoid about the content so I made it a little harder to find. Not that I'm going back and editing any old articles, I probably wouldn't write them now but to engage in revisionism would make me a communist. As the great Spinafarian Popeye once said, "I yam what I yam." Everyone that reads this tell me if you think Popeye was an asshole. Thought so.

Disclaimer

The problem with writing a blog is that you're always writing in isolation, without a nagging Voice of Reason to remind you that sometimes people are idiots. I've written about work a few times, considered a Bad Idea in today's Global Market, but each time it's obviously been quite tongue-in-cheek and ridiculous. No specifics, no names, safe right? Well, so far so good, but I just know some day I'll get a phone call from a student, looking to become a Chartered Accountant, who stumbles upon "The Official CASB Webpage" and thinks that the purpose of CASB employees is to deny some student's taxation course just because some kid opened a window. I really hate writing anything serious on here since this is my safe place to flip out and write nonsense, but just for a moment I might have to. Everyone works hard at CASB, they really care about the students, they try their best, and put in plenty of long hours. Anything silly and tongue-in-cheek that I might write to the contrary is to be laughed at or ignored, depending on your affiliation. Free speech should mean we don't have to undermine our public statements by posting Disclaimers for the Humor Impaired. We shouldn't have to fear that someone will misintrepret a joke then say that it's our fault they didn't get it. Normally the person who misunderstands a message is the one blamed.

Too bad it's not like that. Instead, I have to write a "Please don't sue/fire me" post. In the interest of disclosure, nothing prompted this but you never can tell who wants to usurp your Awesome Cubicle of Awesome Awesomeness by using a little dirt.

Gods vs. Clods II

With the prevelance of blogs moving increasingly into the mainstream and away from insomniacs living in their parents' basement, the impact of blogs (blogpact?) on every day life is being reported on more frequently. Articles on the dangers of writing a blog about work, the lasting efffect of one's "digital footprints" left online, and issues of blogger accountability seem to appear on MSN.com and Slate magazine every day. While the word "blog" refers mostly to individual online logs, the mentality and ideology appears from online encyclopedias (onlinecopedias?), Wikipedia the most popular, to Shoutwire, a "community based internet news website." The commonality between Wikipedia and ShoutWire is the weight given to viewer participation that determines published content. On Wikipedia, viewers determine what changes occur within the articles. Certainly there are guidelines and reviews to prevent libel or vandalism, but the principle, where material is updated from the grassroots rather than by an exclusive, top-down authority remains the same. On Shoutwire, the articles that have been commented on the most are listed first, at least in the case of websites that carry Shoutwire material, such as Torrentspy.com.

What individual blogs, onlinecopedias and community news sites have in common is the value they place on community participation. Comments from readers are always encouraged and often given in raw, unedited form. Comments are posted right away uncensored, often leading to heated, sudden debate. Wikipedia, which does utilize far more review and oversight over submissions, has nonetheless been victim of many vandalism attempts, some pranks (Stephen Colbert's African Elephants) some worse (one individual's biography listed him as a suspect in the Kennedy assassination, in his case clearly untrue).

The contrast between contemporary community news and traditional print or television news is the filtration utilized by the information source. Newspaper editors print only the letters they see fit, television news manipulates interviews for brevity and content. This level of top-down control certainly lends itself to a degree of elitism, but also a level of hindsight. Online news sites are filled with comments which, to be mild, give little effort to tact or moderation. In the end, more voices are heard but as a result, more are drowned out. The speed at which news stories are reported, commented, debated, and in some cases retracted has increased dramatically with the synergistic nature of internet information sharing. Convenience of access and volume of information are the benefit, but peer review, reflection and informed debate are hindered simply because the breath of information curtails the debth of analysis. With the emphasis on attaining more information on the latest news story, the analysis stage that used to be part of a viewer's digestive cycle is at risk of being lost.

Schadenfreude

Sure neglected the blog VERY badly the last little while. Mostly blame stupid FaceBorg for assimilating my free time, as well as some time that should not have been free. That addiction has worn off, but not enough to bring back the blog in full force. That changed, with this major news announcement. When this was announced on Friday, the news spread through my office faster than gossip about someone getting fired. In the four and a half months I worked there, I never saw everyone as happy as they were that day. Outright, unbridled joy spread through the halls as souls sang their unrequited happiness for all to see. 99% of the time the amount of attention given to young Hollywood trailer trash is representative of society's lack of guidance and failing morals. For one day at least, that misguided focus brought our shaken morals and failing hope up from it's knees and let it cheer from the rooftops. Now get back to work!!!

This is the manner in which I roll

Modern Poetry That Rhymes

I am a little worker Bee
Though closer to a grade of D
They do not seem pleased with me
But neither am I with thee.

The Man says I don't initiate
But rather than retaliate
The resume gets another update
Then to Tim's to re-caffeinate.

Upon return confusion shows
Within the depth chart, rows on rows,
Frustration on the faces grows
Long-term planning? No-one knows.

Morale is low but production high,
An equation for staff to say goodbye
It's the Soviet School of Just Add Try!!!
Who cares how many men will die?

Facebook

Facebook has stolen all of my blogtime. I hate it so much.

The Official CASB Webpage

Hi. This blog post is all about CASB employees, REAL CASB EMPLOYEES. This blog is awesome. My name is Chris and I can't stop thinking about CASB employees. These guys are cool; and by cool, I mean totally sweet.

Facts:
1. CASB employees are mammals.
2. CASB employees hold up student transcripts ALL the time.
3. The purpose of CASB employees is to train tomorrow's Chartered Accountants by generating paperwork.

Weapons and Gear:

Cubicle

PhotocopierFolders

Testimonial:
CASB employees can ruin the chartered accounting dreams of anyone they want! Even rich ones with good pre-requisite marks! CASB employees lose files and ignore emails ALL the time and don't even think twice about it. These guys are so crazy and awesome that they dress business casual ALL the time. I heard that there was this CASB employee who was eating at a diner. And when some student dropped his Blackberry the CASB employee deleted the Confirmation of Practical Experience for the whole town. My friend Kelsey said that she saw some CASB employee totally deny some student's Taxation course just because some kid opened a window.

And that's what I call REAL ULTIMATE POWER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If you don't believe that accountants have REAL Ultimate Power you better get a life right now or they will make sure your mature student application sits in a pile in the boss's office for months!! It's an easy choice if you ask me.

Q and A:
Q. Why is everyone so obsessed with CASB employees?
A. CASB employees are the ultimate paradox. On one hand, they have a lot of work to do, but on the other hand they use entire meetings to announce the new database's theme song.

Q. I heard that CASB employees are always slow and inefficient. What's their problem?
A. Whoever told you that is a total liar. Just like other mammals, CASB employees can be slow moving files OR leave early.

Q. What do CASB employees do when they are not ignoring phone messages or denying foreign students?
A. Most of their free time is spent going to get coffee but sometimes they Roll Up the Rim to Win. (Ask Danielle if you don't believe me.)

Like blowing too much air into a balloon!!!

Sometimes, once in a blue moon, when you least expect it, for reasons you can't explain, right out of the blue, when things seem like they'll never change, when life hurls you a lemon, in world where everything you know is wrong, at the edge of space, in a galaxy far far away, in the not-too-distant future, when all the world's a stage, where laughter was king, ONE MAN, armed with only his soul to protect him, will face insurmountable odds, to save himself, and everything he knows to be true....

All I wanted to write was that I'm moving up in the world, out of my workspace/playpen and into a real cubicle. Then I got stuck in a loop and realized that I didn't want to write about my cubicle, I just wanted to play with words. Join me as I tangent.

The Artist Formerly Known as Mad Scrolls was called a communist recently, merely for describing a pastoral setting where the residents were all equal, lived an agrarian lifestyle, each performed jobs according to their skills, and worked for the benefit of the community. Why someone, who shall remain nameless, would deface a defenseless blogger is a sad indication of the carelessness, and flamboyant inaccuracies, of many internet posts. What was even more disturbing was that some brave soul, a voice of reason and strength in an increasingly nihilistic world, attempted to counter-comment only to be censored by The Author. This kind of omniscient, top-down value enforcement by a faceless authority figure of unknown origin was uncalled for; the Speaker should not have been withheld from expressing his or her right to proliferate a mindless discussion about communism, of which few, if any, elements even exist within this topic. The phrase, I believe, was "flame on."

In keeping with the completely random, disconnected nature of today's soliloquy, I must confess that recently, in the heat of the tedium of the moment, I insulted someone over the internet once. It was nothing they deserved, but, alas, I fell victim to baser instincts. In a safe, polite, complimentary setting, I wanted to be the big man. I wanted to bully, hurt, scare others, just to prop myself up. I know, you don't believe me. Well believe it, you believers. I was lucky enough to get away with it, this time, since there's no way to know it was me. In fact, it looked like someone was going to reply but, showing maturity and grace beyond my own, chose to withdraw. I'm glad they did, for it quells the guilt inside me. It made me realize that better people are out there, and it gives me hope for myself.

Hammer time

I am fortunate to be surrounded by a number of opinionated people, and by surrounded I mean they have blogs. It's always better to have a dumb opinion than no opinion, and if you have a dumb opinion ideally you'll write a blog about it so I can drop the hammer on you.
First, the issue of fully legalized drug use. The same people who advocate total legalization seem to think it would save taxpayers money because the RCMP wouldn't have as many investigations to do, jails wouldn't be as full, and worldwide terrorism would disintegrate (that's what it says!). By the same logic, if we de-criminalize murder and theft the RCMP wouldn't need to exist, jails would be empty and converted to schools, and the Rapture would begin. What nonsense. Making a financial argument in favor of de-criminalizing narcotics is to completely ignore the crippling burden that would be placed on our already sapped health care system. The reason Canada has a national health care system is because people are willing to part with their hard-earned dollars in order to benefit society. While drug-users wish for freedom, they forget that if you want the legal right to smoke or inject yourself with whatever you want, you can't then expect society to fund your rehab clinics and medical support systems. That's why society gets to tell you what you can and can't put in your body, because they have to pay for it.
If you're REALLY clever, you'll have already picked out a bit of a flaw in that argument. You'll say that society deems smoking and alcohol legal but not marijuana, how does that make any sense? It doesn't. Like the article mentions, prohibition didn't work. The problem is that we'd be trying to go backwards and frankly it's too late. Historically, governments have shown that they are perfectly willing to allow their populace to dumb themselves down on some mildly addictive substance, witness the dirt-cheap, readily available amounts of vodka in the Soviet Union. Tobacco farming has generated a lot of domestic income in the United States and Canada, so it's not going anywhere. The biggest change we're likely to see anytime soon is the government easing up on marijuana, and that still has some hurdles to climb. Bottom line, if you want to be able to run around promoting unrestricted narcotic use, you'd better be advocating a market-style health care system and a libertarian-style "government," because you won't get it both ways. Hands up who's going to lead that charge? Didn't think so.

On a day when the Edmonton Oilers retired the number of my first childhood hero, they traded away my latest favorite. I was 9 when I watched the Oilers beat Boston 4-1 in 1990 to win their fifth Stanley Cup, the only one I was old enough to remember. Last year they were within one game of adding a sixth, and if they had do so Ryan Smyth would still be an Oiler, with a contract until retirement, and on the list of future jersey retirement ceremonies. I remember the shot of Mark Messier hoisting the Stanley Cup in 1990, flanked by Kevin Lowe and Jari Kurri, though now it seems like a different lifetime. Yet as though it was yesterday, I remember Ryan Smyth's lost teeth and overtime assist against San Jose, playing with the flu against Anaheim, and his glorious end to end rush in Game 6 of the Finals. These were supposed to be the start of a new set of memories, a first chapter in a new era of economic equality where the Oilers would content once again. Instead, since that empty net goal in Game 7, it's been nothing but repeated kicks in the teeth. Pronger, Spacek, Peca, Laraque, Bergeron, Samsonov, and now Smyth are gone, with no promise left but that of another rebuilding project.

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools;

-Rudyard Kipling

Gods and Clods

With the upcoming Academy Awards (5:30 MT, check your local listings!) about to fill one channel for about the same amount of time as the Super Bowl, it seemed like a natural time to analyze the disparity between mass markets and minority pretension. The Oscars, I don't know how to say this, are kind of a Big Deal. They have many leather-bound books and the auditorium smells of rich mahogany, though that could be Charlton Heston's cologne. It's usually the second highest rated show of the year after said Super Bowl, proving how easy it is to divide North America into two basic demographics. Forget 18-34 males and focus groups, TV viewers are either able to criticize Indianapolis' rush defense without Bob Saunders or criticize Halle Berry's Vera Wang without Eric Benet. For those of you who can do neither, you're qualified to tell me why my computer restarts itself constantly when I put the side case back on, but is fine when left open.

Back to the show. Like the U.S. presidential vote or the Grammy's, the Oscars are another venue to illustrate the gap between the masses' preference and those of the ruling class. In the last U.S. election, George W. Bush received 62,040,610 votes, or 50.73%. The eligible voting population is 200,760, 369. That means Bush received 30.09% support of the masses. In 2003, Steely Dan won Best Album over the Marshall Mathers LP. None of the nominees from last year's Academy Awards were the same as in the 2006 MTV Movie Awards. Obviously, there is considerable disparity between the preferences of the masses and the elite. The debate is whether or not this is a problem.

"Wedding Crashers" was selected Best Movie at the MTV awards that year, while "Crash" won the Oscar. Which film is more worthy of public celebration, one that celebrates the distracting opiate of slapstick humor, or one that points out the complexities behind racial behavior? The latter is certainly guilty of beating a dead horse, while the former probably would have literally done so if it tested well. On that subject, I'll try to find my point, since when I started I had one. If we let the masses have their way, sure, lots of god-awful artsy foreign films will find their way back to France where they belong, but the only thing that will replace them is Adam Sandler. Mass markets rarely recognize important subjects on their own terms, as evidence by the fact that Brokeback Mountain's box office gross was more a result of curiosity than any recognition of the important breakthrough being made. Enjoy Starship Troopers, but better read 1984 or Brave New World first. It's fine to take the opiate as long as you earned the distraction.

I AM AN ACCOUNTANT

GREETINGS. MY NAME IS LURR FROM THE PLANET OMICRON PERSEI 8. UPON YOU PUNY HUMANS I UNLEASH MY POWERS OF CRIPPLING TEDIUM, CAPABLE OF CRUSHING EVEN THE SHARPEST PUNY HUMAN MIND INTO A BLITHERING MASS OF GIBBERSOME, SHUDDERING GREY MATTER.

I'd like to put to rest some stereotypes, if I may. The jokes are funny, but please, a serious moment. Despite the way in which they are portrayed in the media, TV, and blockbuster action movies, accountants are not always dynamic, charismatic balls of spontaneity. Call me a politically correct sillynanny, but I feel the need to remind people that, shocking as it my seem, some accountants are actually restrained, cautious people who would just as soon do your taxes on a Saturday night as alphabetize, categorize and audit your grocery list. Yes friends, accountants need well-organized, pre-planned triple-stamped love too. Should you feel the need to express it to them, you will be required to submit a pre-application form, two reference letters from others towards whom affection has been previous expressed, a carbon copy application form outlining the proposed affection transaction, and a personal letter of Sentimental Intent.

Vegas Baby!

I know what you're thinking. Why don't they come out with an electric toothbrush that's also an MP3 player and recharges itself through its USB port? Stop letting that mind wander aimlessly and pay attention! As if you could hear the music over the brushing sounds anyways! The big news in these parts is my upcoming trek to that Mecca of good clean wholesome fun, that Saloon of Solemnity, that Den of Discipline, that Residence of Restraint, Las Vegas. I'll pause while you tell me how cool you think that is. You're not going to listen to music when you aren't brushing your teeth either! How much time do you spend in the bathroom anyways? Exactly!
The occasion is for a wedding of my buddy Marc who also deemed me fit to be in the wedding party. This will be the first time I've been in one, and I can't imagine how hard it's going to be to figure out a bachelor party plan down there. NO I'M NOT GOING TO ASK HIM, HE'LL THINK IT'S A STUPID IDEA TOO!
It's not until May and I'll be back with lots of scenery pictures, but those are the only kind.

Orifice Politics

Cut your hair, meet this due date, that's what Wand'ring Prophets hate,
Stacks of files go on for miles yet pace yourselves just like reptiles,
Take those lunches, breaks in bunches yet still complain about time crunches,
Dress up nice but no suits o' thrice, business casual will suffice.



There are files and copiers, bosses and overtime,
Mondays and customers are all partners in crime,
Yet so confined to a world of relentless monotony,
Such statements are made without a trace of irony.

So many files, so many student accountants,
Who are up to their pleats in self-centered entitlements,
Phoning and emailing with long-winded inquirements,
Still they are slaves to our indecipherable requirements.

So tomorrow I return to my cliche-d job,
Slowly turning into a business/casual slob,
Typing and filing all day might sound easy,
But without some rebellion it gets mighty queasy,
At heart I've found that I really don't care
for our short-sighted society that makes me dispair,
All I can think is that humanity will meet doom
Because it spent all its time in a halogen room.

The Office cont.

Apparently Tobias the Wandering Hippie Prophet, armed with his Degree of Uselessness, has more employability than he thought. Today was the first day at my new job as a registration officer at CASB. So far so good, got my own little cubicle to go with my files, folders, chairs and desks. Right downtown too with a discount at the downstairs gym and walkways to various shops and such. It's my own little self-contained world away from all the commoners. Updates as they come.